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[Feb. 14th, 2012|11:34 pm] |
Hello, I do not know why am I always back on days which I don't feel the best and these days are usually significant and important days that on any other normal days would be a plain and usual and mundane cycles and repetition of chores but, it's just a double whammy today being valentine.
Never mind valentine is just any other day to me, without frills and presents or anything! But, I don't know why my heart felt like it broken and I can feel and hear the shatters of my broken heart. My heart sank deeper than titanic, I believe it did and I reckon it was long before I last felt the same. No, it's not a similar feeling of rejection or knowing that there won't be any replies or aimlessly hoping, but I could feel the disappointment and it was way beyond something I expected to react and feel so badly this time. I supposingly do not have any feeling or anything for you, but the sudden tsunami of emptiness surged and overwhelmed by threshold of emotions, I concede defeat. There, I lie lifelessly till the numbness got the better of me and tiredness took me to sleep waking up to a whole level of disaster today. I didn't expect to feel so bad and broken but I did. Maybe I wasn't that strong and I was over confident that I didn't feel anything but reality proved me wrong. Maybe when things get better then we can talk again but I am convinced that a distance I should keep from you so that I won't get hurt further. Till things get better, weekly walk-backs ain't a good idea anymore.
No, I will not open my heart to let it get broken again, until it's immune.
On a highly separate note, I may not be a good friend but I am definitely not a bad friend. I can't always give, or always take and you can't always give or take. Maybe you think it's me, being crazily petty or unreasonable, but when I needed a shoulder you kicked me. Perhaps you weren't feeling that good, but I felt rock bottom. Maybe it wasn't that clear but since we are both highly volatile, these instances nevertheless seem to increase exponentially in recent times. There perhaps hold some truth to how friends come and go and how we shouldn't be too strong-willed about our principles, maybe it is really time to let go and foster new friendships that may last instead of stepping on each other's foot. Maybe we then will really then treasure the people since we really lead really separate lives and that we don't seem to agree on each other! It's really a wake up call to step out of the social circle and make some new friends!
For now, let us just treasure this distance and till we talk again! But don't worry, I'll be stronger the next time!
Okay, let's just hope all will turn well for the better but it's really time to concentrate well on studies even though studies isn't really everything. I am convinced that no, time should not be spent on studies all day but to have a balance activities so that means I am contemplating on going back to band. That perhaps be a year 2 problem but let me see how things turn out this sem! Alright, a fresh new start again tomorrow! And I'm certain when all unfortunate things come, there'll eventually be an end to it so good things will then follow suit! Look on the bright side of life! No one said life's wasn't tough but I didn't expect it to be this tough.
Love,
Darren |
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| 2012 |
[Jan. 1st, 2012|06:55 pm] |
| [ | current mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
Okay, I know and confess that I've totally neglected this little journal, but this is to mark and note down some little promises that I make for myself this coming year! I know I haven't exactly kept to 2011 resolutions but this year will be different, hopefully!
This year resolutions will be more personal and to be more fulfilling!
1) To be more discipline - meaning tighter study schedules, sleeping timings to be kept, making my bed everyday (yes, I never made my bed!), and to keep to little promises!
-Better studies and work hard
-Sleep 7 hours a day, haha!
-Learn something
-Read books regularly!
2) To take my class 4 driving (hopefully), so that will be learning something new and achieving something!
3) Treasure friends - which mean to keep meet at least fortnightly with the sec gang (after discussion from yesterday!) and to make them birthday cards, I know I wanted to do them for the 21st but it failed!
4) Better holiday plans! And going overseas, and last year almost didn't have an overseas plan but thankfully, the 8 days Malaysia was superb!
5) Save save save and maybe just splurge a little!
Okay, so this year 5 little resolutions again and maybe a little more when the time is ripe! :)
And finally, happy 2012 and may 2012 be a fabulous year to come! |
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| HEART OVER HEELS |
[Sep. 19th, 2011|10:25 pm] |
And maybe it's better that the heart gets detached from what's going on? It's so difficult to have feelings attached and yet pretned that nothing is going on and all as per normal. Rather than following the heart, maybe cut away the heart. <3 heh
And it's really tough to find real friends. Ones that stay and listen and go through thick and thin, perhaps just not cut out for it. |
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| TALKING TO THE MOON |
[Jul. 25th, 2011|01:36 am] |
| [ | current mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back |
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| FRI..ENDS |
[Jul. 19th, 2011|04:55 pm] |
| [ | current mood |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
I've no idea who reads this space but here it goes.
I guess its time for a best man hunt and to make real. close. good. friends. One that withstand the test of times and adversities and to root through troubles and not turn the head and run away.
I don't deny that every point we make friends and loses friends and, hang around with friends till new ones come along. But, looking back to one whom you can call and have a worthy talk and kill some time?
That's all! |
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| WE WILL NEVER GET THE WORLD |
[Jul. 2nd, 2011|02:44 pm] |
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"Can never get the best of both worlds"
This is what I learnt. Funny how 2 hearts close together can never fuse together. How emotions and feelings move, and flare but never seem to love one another. How words can separate the best of both worlds and how friendships made are always broken and left never to mend. People come people go and how we will pretend how something never seem to happen.
Efforts are never the fruits of the labour and we will never be able to get what we want. We learn to live and take second choices but these are never the ones. We to make next best choice and leave the free market for the best resources efficient allocation. Opportunity costs set in and we will always have to give up somethings for something else. Maybe because, there's one thing, two say, those three words, for you.
Give me more loving than I ever have
Make it all better when I'm feeling sad
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not
It's difficult being friends and much more difficult than anything else. When we are friends everything seems not to matter but when things changes then the whole world takes a 180o turn and backs turn and never seem to turn back and be like before again. Maybe that's why we will never be the same before again. Maybe that's cos how things work and how God wanted things to turn out this way. Funny how all these little things never seem to surface when we are friends but it all does, sooner or later. Or even when people don't understand and jump to conclusions and how we all make use of one another to achieve what we want and resort to small little means. This is all what we are capable of. Humans are never easy and simple and will never be.
Maybe that's why we are all in this vicious cycle. |
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| IT WAS NEVER EASY |
[Jun. 17th, 2011|08:12 pm] |
Never it was, never meant to be. And life doesn't cross us anymore and so won't we. Sometimes shit just happens, and so fingers crossed, pray and hope for the best. Nothing much we can do now.
I know you won't miss me so there's no time to waste thinking back about you too. Move on and never turn a head back and enjoy life as it brings along any happiness, sadness, or anything else it can be. Hope for the best. |
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| WHAT AM I TO YOU |
[Jun. 16th, 2011|10:45 pm] |
Trouble sprewing.
And there's no point in it when we treat each other as if we lack basic human rights of living. Better off dead than anything else. |
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| This is for you. |
[Jun. 13th, 2011|12:15 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | m | ] |
| [ | current mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | current music |
| | ONE MORE MOMENT | ] |
Dear M,
I don't know if this is too late, but this is for you. I started this journal journal-ing my thoughts and feelings for you. You were my inspiration and love then. I don't deny I liked you 4 years ago. I told myself I need to know the girl in white top and blue bottom and I did. That was first 3 months. I kept my promise to myself but we never made it through. I had my times, knowing you and then being friends. Walking to bus stops together, during sectionals or so and our names together on paint, That was a distant ago, but vividly engraved in my heart. Then, the day we walk towards the gate and I asked if it was true, that was the last of you. I heard about you and I remember the silly nights going online searching for good night texts for you. How playing games on the phone and wishing the reply was from you but it never came through. How I used to lie to myself and never heard from you.
Time passed and it was year 2. I really liked you. I don't know why maybe because as what bestie said, it was the wrong person at the wrong time and we really didn't make it. I don't know about you but this is what I had for you. We never really spoke, but I learnt about you. I tried forgeting you but I really didn't succeed.
I remembered how I was silly and foolish remembering occasions and birthdays of yours thats really don't matter to you.
2 years was never easy too, and I remembered talking to you, hearing how you asked if I really liked you. But I never really knew about you. Remembering how the first year was my first call to you and learning about you and him really didn't make it through. Despite the many times, I spent endless nights thinking about you. Perhaps you never know, but how I dreamt about you and the perfect fairytale endings for you.
The usual ignores and no replies maybe I make it through. This post is for you.
Thanks for ignoring, and maybe it's really time to let go and not think anymore and maybe that's how happiness can be. This is my little confession for you and no, I won't text you anymore.
Thanks for the wonderful memories.
Thanks for the texts that you once gave me.
And the endless hopes.
One more moment was for you.
Thanks, maybe this is the ending to my little first story. :)
I wish you all the best with love and byebye!
Darren |
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